WHITE HOUSE RELEASES ABRAMOFF PHOTOS

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of resistance, the White House released a photograph of President Bush and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff.  The White House initially claimed that no photograph of Mr. Bush and Mr. Abramoff existed.  Subsequently, the White House invoked national security and executive privilege to prevent release of the photograph.

 

White House press secretary, Scott McClellan, said it was not improper for President Bush to meet with Mr. Abramoff.  "Many presidents met with Jack Abramoff," said Mr. McClellan. To substantiate his claim, Mr. McClellan released photographs of Mr. Abramoff with previous presidents.

 

After examining the photographs, former CIA director George Tenet said they were authentic.  "It's a slam dunk," said Mr. Tenet.

 

 

President George H.W. Bush, Jack Abramoff, and King Faisal, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

 

 

Unidentified individuals, President Lyndon B. Johnson, and Jack Abramoff (wearing black fedora), Stonewall, Texas.

 

 

Austrian officials, President Gerald Ford, and Jack Abramoff (wearing black fedora), Salzburg, Austria.

 

Jack Abramoff and President Ronald Reagan, Hollywood, California.

 

  Unidentified man, Jack Abramoff, and President Jimmy Carter, Plains, Georgia.

 

 Jack Abramoff, Richard Cheney, Bebe Rebozo, and President Richard Nixon aboard The Coco Loco off the coast of Florida.

 

 Jack Abramoff, unidentified woman, and President Bill Clinton, Los Angeles, California.

 

 

President George W. Bush and Jack Abramoff, Bush Ranch, Crawford, Texas. 

 

CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION TOURS ALLENWOOD PRISON CAMP

 

WHITE DEER, PENNSYLVANIA – Representative Bob Ney, Republican of Ohio, led a Congressional fact finding tour of Allenwood Federal Prison Camp to review the Bureau of Prisons’ recommendation to close the facility and transfer its inmates to medium security prisons.  Allenwood has long been a target of criticism from congressional Republicans who call it “Club Fed” because of its alleged amenities.

 

“What we saw reinforces my belief that Allenwood has an essential place in our prison system,” Representative Ney said. “I am introducing legislation which will require the Bureau of Prisons to continue to operate Allenwood.”

 

Warden Ike Romney conducted the delegation through the prison camp.  Representative John Doolittle, Republican of California, told Mr. Romney he had heard an urban legend that inmates were not allowed to use Callaway clubs on the golf course because the greater weight of the clubs posed a danger that they could be used as bludgeons.  Mr. Romney responded that the adjacent golf course had no connection with the prison camp and inmates were not permitted to golf.  A visibly shaken Representative Doolittle, who was a ferocious critic of those who questioned the treatment of inmates during the Abu Ghraib controversy, protested, “That’s inhumane, unhumane and inhuman.”  Mr. Ney said that, from what he could see of the course, it’s no Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews anyway.  Representative Tom DeLay, Republican of Texas, agreed.

 

An employee of the House of Representatives Sergeant-at-Arms, who asked not to be identified, said the mood of the Congressmen was solemn, even somber, in contrast to previous fact finding tours.  “In Tahiti, once we saw that we were misinformed on the tsunami damage, these guys were a blast,” the employee said.  “Other than the Mass, the week in Venice for the Port Commissioner’s funeral was nothing but good times.”  The employee reported that, upon leaving Allenwood, he proposed a side trip to the Oneida Nation’s casino but that the congressmen demurred.

 

Mr. DeLay said that he planned to urge the Texas Department of Criminal Justice to build an Allenwood-type facility for middle-aged, male, non-violent offenders.

 

Ney was asked if the Federal Sentencing Guidelines should be increased in fraud cases.  “I think that would be advisable in welfare fraud cases but I don’t think it is necessary for violations of 18 USC (United States Code) 1341 (mail fraud),” Ney responded.  “Or 1343 (which defines fraud to include bribery),” added Representative DeLay. 

 

On another justice system matter, Representative Ney, who as chairman of the House Administration Committee had a tightfisted reputation when it came to appropriations for the District of Columbia, called for pay raises for the judges of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia.  When a reporter asked if it was possible to give raises only to judges in one judicial district, Mr. Ney said, “Well even if it’s not, I’ve talked to Senator Burns (Conrad Burns, Republican of Montana) and we’re going to earmark a little something for those hard working judges down at the United States District Court for the District of Columbia.”

 

Representative Don Sherwood, Republican of Pennsylvania, who represents the district containing Allenwood, hosted the group of Congressmen.  Mr. Sherwood was gratified that his colleagues were interested in saving Allenwood.  “The issue to me was the loss of jobs,” said Sherwood. “I was amazed to find that my out of state colleagues were so committed to saving Allenwood,”  Representative Sherwood added.  ”Most of these guys were ‘If you can’t do the time . . .’ on prison issues.  But let me tell you, they are very concerned that federal prisoners are treated decently, maybe even a little better than decently.”

 

The Allenwood tour had been proposed in October by Lewis “Scooter” Libby, who was Vice-President Dick Cheney’s chief of staff, and Representative Randy “El Duque” Cunningham, Republican of California.  Ironically, both men resigned before the tour.

 

Representative Doolittle, who cancelled his plans to go on a fact-finding trip to St. Moritz to study avalanche control in order to tour Allenwood, said that the tour allowed him to get to know some of his colleagues.  “Although I have been in Congress since 1991, I have been so busy fact finding that I didn’t know a couple of the congressmen on this tour,” Mr. Doolittle said.  “As it turns out, we all have a mutual friend.” “Acquaintance,” corrected Mr. DeLay.  “I found we share the same concerns and even the same fears,” Representative Doolittle said.

 

Representative Ney did his part to help the Pennsylvania economy when he bought a T-shirt at the airport gift shop bearing the phase, “Stop Snitching”.  Mr. Ney said the shirt was for an acquaintance.

 

 

FTC OPENS PAYOLA INVESTIGATION

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 SNAPPLE REFUSED TO JOIN SCHEME

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   Department Store Santa Asked Children to Leave Out

    Milk and Snackwells Fat Free Devil’s Food Cookies    

                                                                                                       

 

ISRAELI LEADER CALLS FOR PEACE

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  “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR,” PLEADS OLMERT

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    Pat Robertson Asks God to Put a Horse’s Head in Olmert’s Bed

 

 

HALLIBURTON SUSPENDS NOVEMBER ELECTIONS

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 INVOKING LITTLE KNOWN STOP-LOSS PROVISION IN

  CONSTITUTION, CONTRACTOR EXTENDS TERMS OF 248

   REPUBLICANS

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     Senator McClain Only Republican Senator Not on List; “He’s Earned

      a Rest,” said Halliburton Spokesman

 

 

FLESH OF DEAD COW FOUND IN BOWL OF WENDY’S CHILI

  

GRAMMARIAN ADVOCATES TRANSLATING OATH

 OF OFFICE INTO PLAIN ENGLISH  

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   “IT’S 35 WORDS LONG; NO WONDER HE’S CONFUSED

    ON HIS DUTY”

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     Professor Claims “Preserve, Protect and Defend” is Redundant